Love and Marriage

Today Craig and I are celebrating 6 years of marriage.  Sort of.  He’s actually away on a business trip, so we celebrated over the weekend.

Over a year ago, my dear friend Lucy sent me a list of topics that she’d like to see me write about here on Instead of the Dishes.  Along with about ten other ideas, the very last item on the list is “Things you have learned that help keep a marriage going strong”.  So, I thought that today might be a good day to write about marriage.  Plus, this will be my 200th published blog post on this blog, so we all deserve something with a little meat to it, right?

First, I want to say that I am no expert on marriage. After all, we’ve only been marred for six years! I am still learning every day and probably will be for the rest of my life. My marriage is certainly not perfect, but for the time being, I’d say we fit into the “going strong” category that Lucy asked about.  For the most part, I think there are three significant things that I have learned thus far.

• Be flexible.  Incredibly, nearly back-breaking flexible.  I’ll paraphrase Michelle Obama here – Blending two separate lives together and then trying to raise two more little lives is a recipe for disaster.  But, at the end of the day, if you can look at your spouse and say, “I like you,” you’re doing ok.  Craig and I both like certain things done a certain way, and our marriage has been ruffled many a time by arguments over how things should be done, ranging from what pasta sauce brand we should buy to where we should go on vacation.  Ultimately, we both try hard to make the other happy, because everything is better when everyone is happy.  Sometimes that means that in order for me to have a happy husband, I do things I don’t necessarily want to do, or in a way that I don’t want them done.  And sometimes he does the same for me.
• Be You.  While you’re being flexible, don’t lose sight of being you.  In the movie Iron Giant, the overarching theme is “You are who you choose to be.”  As a spouse, you have to be happy with who you are before you can make others happy, and in order to be happy, you have to chose who you want to be.  Just because you are married to someone doesn’t mean you have to live all the same life experiences together or have all the same opinions.  For us, that means we sometimes go on separate vacations.  Craig doesn’t want to spend a long weekend blogging, doing yoga classes, and reading, and I sure as heck am not going to spend a week running around in the woods playing war.  It also means that we each do different activities with our kids sometimes, and we contribute to the household based on each of our separate talents and preferences. (Guess who does most of the dishes.)
• Be Varied.  I think a lot of marriages lose their luster because the union is in a rut.  Craig and I like to keep things interesting.  Before we went out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary, we sat on the couch and watched our wedding video with the kids.  It’s hard to believe that just six years ago today we were on a sailboat in a bay in New Zealand getting married.  Three houses, two kids, two cities, and tons of adventures later, we’re still looking forward to what’s next rather than settling in to what’s now.  Getting out of the rut can be as simple as going to a new restaurant to eat dinner instead of the same one you ALWAYS go to.  Maybe you can go somewhere different for vacation this year, or try something that neither of you have done before (Crazy = Skydiving.  Tamer = Zip lining).  Just remember to change it up from time to time.

In general, marriages take A LOT of work, no matter who you are and who you are married to. I happen to think that my husband ranks pretty high up there on the fantastic husband scale, and he tells me pretty often that I’m a great wife, but I think we would both agree that our marriage is very hard work. I don’t expect this to get easier over time, either.  Dynamics, needs, and people in general can and will change.  But, for me, the investment of energy and effort is worth it, especially when I see that my spouse is willing to make the same investment.  We’re a team, we’re providing a great support system for our kids, and at the end of the day, I can look at my husband and say, “I Love You” without hesitation.

My friend Monika once posed the question, “What do you think is more difficult: Motherhood or Marriage?” on the forum of the Little Rock Moms Like Me site that she manages.  The majority of the moms who answered said that Marriage was more difficult, but several said that  marriage was easier.  One mom reasoned that all you have to do to keep your husband happy is “feed him and have relations with him.”

What do you think is more difficult, parenting or marriage?  What are your tried and true tricks for keeping your marriage going strong?

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